Caught Her Red-Handed?

Hi there,

So I regularly discuss all the highlights of dating but today in response to a readers dilemma I’ve taken a different tact. As a dating mentor and guru, my advice is not here just to give you dating inspiration. I’m also here during the difficult times, so please feel free to email about anything at info@dailydesignbits.com. A reader emailed me at the beginning of this week after he discovered his girlfriend cheating. I didn’t want to share the intimate details of his situation but I thought my advice might be useful for others.

Well what do you do, really, if you catch your woman cheating on you?

It does not have to be right in the act of her making passionate love with another man; it can be anything that says ‘hey, she’s definitely with someone else’ be it on text, on the phone, or a snapshot that clearly removes all forms of doubt about her infidelity. It’s just something that you never get used to and you never fully recover from. You may love again but it will always scar you.

Things to do after you caught her; well, while they say a man is made of his actions, his character is better seen in his reactions. So how do you react, still in a decent, humane, and manly manner, when you’ve obviously been done an act that could drive even the best of men into voracious, monstrous vengefulness?

But before anything else, here is a conversation starters – an SIBG exclusive guide.

Well here’s my advice; to begin with distance yourself. This may be the wisest, safest thing you can do when you’re in this rage-worthy moment. You are better off away and actually alone when you’ve just discovered the betrayal. Stay away from your girlfriend and her lover because that’s the only way you can avoid any reaction that could send you to jail and the next day’s headlines. Violence is definitely not the answer and will make you look bad. It may also be wise to stay away from friends because they may unintentionally end up giving you the advice that may be more harmful than otherwise. Leave yourself to your thoughts until after a few days later.

But I’d seriously consider leaving her before she leaves you. Break up with her officially. While you may think this isn’t necessary, it may actually help you move on better and faster. But for now, let her know that you have left her and not the other way around. She deserves to know that you are not at her mercy. And don’t you dare get back with her if she runs back to you, crying, after three days! You can do this over the phone or over text; seeing each other is highly discouraged soon after the incident.

Now, if you share a house together, you may have to find your way out of it. This may involve legal and financial stuff, but the best course of action would be to get what is due of you. If you share a rent, inform your landlord ahead of time that you are leaving and that your girlfriend will be shouldering the dues alone; in the meantime, find yourself a temporary place to stay in. Stop trying to Make Your Pad Girlfriend-Friendly.

And whatever you do don’t get revenge sex. This is not going to help you at all. So you enjoy it now; so you exhaust yourself to sleep and then what? You wake up still feeling miserable. And how does revenge sex make you any better of a person than your cheating ex-girlfriend? Right, it does not help so don’t do it. Forget about it!

Finally, don’t be ashamed about what happened. She cheated on you, she made the bigger mistake. Don’t blame yourself that you could have done a better job at being a boyfriend. Blame her. Fault’s on her. You’re better off without her anyway. Dust yourself off, and get back in the game. Read here for how to approach new women.

November 28, 2013

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